The One I Wanted To Be

by Sharpless

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1.
i feel it in my head the letters in my bed i'm not the person i wanted to be but every night's the same i'm easier to blame as my sleepless nights still torture me the less i talk the more i'm able to get past the moment the less i talk the less i think about the past but it doesn't really matter at all is the answer to the hardest question waiting for the apple to fall it's not why it falls but the fact that it falls at all and now I see my face in everything before in every cigarette in every liquor store and now i see my chest in every news report about the kinda kids that always get bored i always thought that open doors would never close i always thought that the adults would be the ones to know i always thought that i would figure out where to go i always thought that i would figure it out but it doesn't really matter at all is the answer to the hardest question waiting for the apple to fall it's not why it falls but the fact that it falls at all it's not why it falls but the fact that it falls at all
2.
we still need a warrior for dreams keep the monsters in the closet keep the thread inside the seam and we still need a saint for all our sins keep our ribcage around our lungs so our hearts can't let us in and when our hearts begin to feel cold we'll just crease around the edges into patterns we can fold just to keep from feeling like we're old we have gotten so old we have gotten so old eventually our hearts can't seem to bear all the folding and the molding and the wear and the tear and they start to rip as we start to die and we know that there is nothing we can do but admit that we're scared of changing and some things just are better not to keep inside a thousand paper cranes is that all it would take to wish to change everything back to the way it was before? my friends have grown and gone they think that they're adults but they know they're wrong they're not that strong i'm not that strong could it be the rings around my soul and the lives that i have lived and the stories i have told or could it be the nectar in my veins that can help me understand everything in my brain i said the same things that i can't explain are the same things that keep me insane because i can't bear the can't bear the weight on my own "but jack you know the pain of something that can never be explained is the same pain that makes a person grow" but times are moving fast how come my thoughts are stuck inside the past every time that i wake up feeling new i say "my friends i know it's true i wouldn't be the same if it weren't for you. and can i try to change again, to grow up into something greater than?" i'm greater than
3.
truth keeps creeping into me slow and steady allergy you're not the one i wanted not the one i haunted or thought that you would be so i get down on both my knees cause destiny has many hands that never go according to our plans but the reason that you're shaking isn't all the drugs you're taking just your body slowly breaking into song there's a million things that i've done wrong i've been alive for way too long you've got a lot of feelings wrapped up inside bury me down so deep in the ground still the boy you've always been ghost inside of younger skin you try to change direction but still your infection is opening your sins that's really all it's ever been so could it fit inside your head to never let a stranger in your bed? but the reason that you love her ignited spark that starts the fire it's just the light you hang above her don't you know there's a million people left to know there's a million places left to go you've got a lot of feelings wrapped up inside bury me down so deep in the ground (dance break) and the thoughts just come at night and don't leave me when i sleep just haunting shadows of the parts of me i never want to keep the parts that make me shudder when i sleep is this just the way it is is this what it has to be or could it be a new begining to that which ended years ago a quiet night on the horizon the sound of footsteps in the snow the kind of love that only comes from being home with mom and dad the kind of warmth that only comes from all the friends you ever had so when the clock turns back to twelve and we can't be by ourselves we think over and over and over it's over it's over it's over and then if the sun can rise again from your horrible split ends we'll be tethered together forever and ever and ever and ever as friends
4.
04:41
i wanna get a visa just for the chance to meetcha i need to change my groove this year i'm loving you when we were kids we looked at bars with amazement but now we're here and all we talk about are basements (it was only four years ago // how come it feels like we're moving slow) in the basements we lived you'll find some empty 40's back from when we were kids but now we're stuck in slo-mo we're all trying to quit the cycles that we came from but our bodies can't fit the changes that we give them after years of exactly the same thing we always miss it at the end of every spring all the years that we spent together summer last forever but as our roots start to grow and move around we find our homes are looser in the ground never loose enough to lose each other summers spent together make them last forever and now as cycles vary we still find sanctuary in the wonders we loved as a child they feel small but they still run wild and all our friends stopped calling back but maybe we were the ones who first lost track (if we could we would turn back time // but there are things that just can't rewind) if you pick up the phone the story never ends but we should all be alone every now and again feels like it's all set in stone the number of our friends and the place we call home but it really all depends after years of exactly the same thing we always miss it at the end of every spring all the years that we spent together summer last forever but as our roots start to grow and move around we find our homes are looser in the ground never loose enough to lose each other summers spent together make them last forever (dance break!) and though our paths may never cross again just know that we're still the best of friends there's nothing good that never changes summer last forever and though our lives start moving on their own just know that there's nothing set in stone stay together don't stay alone summers spent together stay together don't stay alone pick up yourself to pick up the phone it was only four years ago how come it feels like we're moving so slow if we could we would turn back time but there are things that just can't rewind all night, you want the young american young american young american you want the young american
5.
c̸ontroll̀ed͟ ͞re͏gŗèśsion̴ i̴’̷v̶e been u͘si̛nǵ i̕t͞ ́shyl͞y t͝o̴ find̢ ̕a͏ńce͞şt̀o͝r̷s le͟ft ͝ov̨e͜r in̷ ̷m͠y ͝b͜o͟d̷y w̢ḩèǹ ̶t̨h͠e ͟tr̀u̸th ̶ŗem̕ai̧ns҉ i ̶will͡ ̵we̷lco͡m̀e them b̕l͟i̷ndly̵ i̡nh̢ęr̨ited m̕y ̀mo̵u͘t̶h̨ ͠f͝r͢óm͞ ́so̕m̸eơne͟ i̷n̡siḑe ́of̧ me ͞i hàv̀é ͏been ̨h͜ere̵ ̶cŗýi͢n̴g ̛pry͞ing ̡earflow c̶a̶n ͠y̨ou ͠seè my ̀t͡ear͟s ͝t̛h͞a͏t ҉s͠p͡roút͘ ̸f̡r͞om ̛fea͘r̕f͢u̵l ̛ro͟ots̵ that g̶r͠e̶w f͜ŕom ́s͞e҉eds͢ ͡i ̨swa̕lĺowe̛ḑ ̡10͡,̨0҉0́0̀ y̢e̸ars̴ ̧a͞gó ̨well͠ i ͡have been ͟h̕e͏r̀e̵ ̡s͟itt͠in̵g vo̴wi͞ng͠ d̢r͟in̡ki̶n̨g ͘p̧l̡eąs̢e ̧gi͜ve m҉e ̴m̡y ͏ṕa̸r̵e̶n͞t̵s͠ w͠ay̡ of̨ t̶h͜i͘nk͢i̴n̷g ra͝i̕se a͞ ̀ch͏i͡ld́ ͝t͢h͡a͝t̷’s͏ pur͝e̕ ǫf ͝ge̢nde͢r d̷įvįs҉i҉o̢n ͠y̧es̴ ͢i̢ k͘ņo̷w ͘s̢up͟r͜essed ͞ŕe̕grȩss͡io̶ń ̷i̵ţ ̸h͡as s͡pir͡a̡led i͜ns͠ide ̛óf̢ ̶me ̀to ͘lo͠ve is͢ t͠o ͜l̀o̸s̴e e͜ver̵y ͠p͡art̨ ̀o̢f ̵m͝e ̀th̸e̕y̴ ͟n͢eve̷r̢ sęe ҉the òrg͡a̵n ̶tha̷t҉ f̡i͠t͞s̨ i̴n ̀e̢ve̴ry peŗso͏n ͏th̴a͡t’s ̴ma̛r͢ri̛ed me ͏inh̴eríted ide̸a̧s fr̴o͝m a ̷hi͠g̴he̢r҉ bo͝dý ̴ ͘y̧o͠u͠r͜ nam͟e h̨a̛s bee҉ń ͠e͟r͘ase̴d́ f̛r͢o̶m̴ ͡all͢ ͢y͝ou̶r̕ h͞o͟mȩwork͡ ̸yo̡ú h̢a͢v̶e ̶be͝en͝ ̴tor͏n ̡out͠ ̵o͡f ̴countl͝es҉s͡ ̢pict͘u̡ŗés̵ ҉w̷or̴d͡s ͘have̢ d̢i̵ssapea̸re͏d ̶f̨rom ͡alļ ̕y͜ouŗ ҉sc̵ŗi̵pt̛ur͏e͠s̨ l̸ife i̕s no̧t͡ a͝ ͝s҉i͞n͜gl͟e͝ fr͏i̧end҉ w͠o͝rt͢h ̶kn͜owin̷g͜ ̶li̧fe i̶s ̀n͞ot witho͝u҉t a͟ ̡c̶om̛e͝ and̴ ̸go͠in̕g̴ ̴th͟ȩy͘ ͡wi̡ll ̀neve͟r̵ ̀h̵éar͡ ҉wha̧t͝ ̧y̧ou͏’̡v͡e͟ bee͜n̕ s͞h͜owi̡n̸g͘ ͞t̴ó th͢e͏ wo̴r͠ld́ Y̨͞O̧͝U̵̴̕ W̢͝I͝LL̶͡͝ ̧̕N̵̕EV͡E҉R̢͡ B͘E ̕͏͞U͠N҉̶̧I̢͟͝Q̸͝UE͝ ̷̴O̧̕Ŕ̛͡ ̶̕F͏A̡͞͝M̕Ó̸͠US̡͟ ͏Y̡O̧U ̢̢̀W͘͟I̛L̕͡͞L͢͜ ͏Ą̶͝L̵Ẃ̛͜A̶Y̨͘͟S͘͏ ̡B͝͞E ̡͡҉D̷ÈP̵̨҉R̵̷͘E̸S̵̀Ś̷E̶̕͠D͘ ̶͞A͝͏N̴͟D̶́͜ ̵̶͘F͘͘A̕ĆE̶̸̢L͝҉E̶̕SS̕
6.
03:34
i was born in a chinatown slum with a vision that i followed and a story to become and as i grew i felt i ran out of ink i felt the parchment rice paper start to shrink and shrink and i met a boy a little taller than me and when i asked him about these questions he said he saw plenty reflected in his eyes just as he said was the daydream colored sunset that i never had but that sunset never left your mindset even through all your coldest regrets oh why do you try because he taught me more than any school could always said if you can than you should oh why do you try and as my height came closer to his as my hands started rubbing my crusted eyelids all of a sudden all the pixels grew all arithmetic i thought i knew but it seems the more that life pushed us together the more we felt finger trapped and tethered like a million days shot through the sky couldn't pull the night down from way up high but this song is getting sentimental turning loved ones ornamental oh why do you try because he taught me more than any school could always said if you can than you should oh why do you try all the smoking breaks empty pizza plates long walks long talks when we stayed up late all the times on the phone leading to train rides home all the fussin and the cussin when we felt alone and said " you would always tell me that i love you baby separate we're changin' but together we're amazin' now as re-incarnate we ain't even talkin' you just keep me starin' and i just keep walkin' " it's too late for me (to come to terms with all i ever wanted lesson learned but i just forgot) i'm scared i'm starting to feel normal i'm scared i'm starting to feel older i'm scared i don't know what to do sit in here till people think i'm cool and i've found that time gets longer as our eyes get as wide as our shoulders why and that's why that i try
7.
04:36
a stable cocoon as warm as any womb a little kid alone in his room with the softest of sheets a warm place to sleep it disappears so soon because parents share a heart but it pushes them apart and it's just too much to resume the lives they had before that old apartment door between them and their tomb so much pain and things to say it might just take your life away it won't there's always different ways to cope where there's despair there's always hope you see them again and you tell all your friends you're sleeping alone again and to your surprise hellos and goodbyes are different in the end and they say "no no you can't go on" i keep it locked inside for architects to find but before our stars go out i want them to align i want to feel your lips moving up my spine i wanna feel your love because i can't feel mine so much change and empty days it might just make you waste away but no (it's too late for me) this is just a time for you to grow there's always ways to make a home is gone now home was somehow just a building and a door i know it's a little late to be alone it's a little late to be alone
8.
SHARPLESS: we can try to move away burn our hair off change our names stare at beer and swallow light touch each other every night but as my shadow leaves the empty space left in between the shallow ache of what had been and the loneliness that i have seen our suitcase packed we've had enough of trying to get mixed up with that stuff we're ready to change and to grow up throw out the games in all the houses where we slept over BELLOWS & ESKIMEAUX: (night after night) SHARPLESS: where we grew older BELLOWS & ESKIMEAUX: (fight after fight) SHARPLESS: and our lives gave way to the things that we say like we're stuck inside a play but as we close the door suddenly we wanted more just to be seventeen again and never say goodbye to all our friends FREEZE FRAME: freeze frame back on this shit with another feat but this is not a repeat i keep it moving like a track meet while my boy jack is trapped in the way way back seat roll through the slope in a ’94 taurus the world at large safely ignores us but lately ruby red eyesight is driving my hindsight crazy stuck in the maze of my memories with former lives and the lies i tell as enemies who all signify that i can’t deny all my contrived anxieties fuck them, i’m back on the grind progress is the quest and i’m making good time pain is the past escaping from the mind if you want to grow up leave it behind MONTANA: nothing can change if it's alright and you'll never grow if you feel fine JACK: can we try again if we go back then? THE EPOCH: it doesn't really matter at all is the answer to the hardest question waiting for the apple to fall it's not why it falls but the fact that it falls at all JACK: nothing can change
9.
02:51
SHARPLESS: i'm counting cigarettes one for each of our dreams undone but you're just sitting there i feel like i should be the one what am i doing here? (you're doing fine don't worry) what am i doing here? SMALL WONDER: (don't be in such a hurry) SHARPLESS: what am i thinking of? SMALL WONDER: (thinking of a way to make an escape) SHARPLESS: what can you tell me love? SMALL WONDER: (you should go right now these things can wait) TOLD SLANT: in our house we were born without a way to tell ourselves apart but we were the farthest we had been from each other's hearts THE EPOCH: SCALING CITY BLOCKS BE SHITTY MOCKING KIDS WHO LOOK TOO COOL NOW THE TIDES HAVE TURNED AND WE'RE THE ONES WHO RAN AWAY TO SCHOOL IF THINGS WERE GREATER THEN THEN TELL ME WHEN WE TURN BACK INTO FOOLS TIME DON'T MAKE US OLD IT MAKES US LONELIER THAN EVER SHARPLESS: i ask for another cigarette (WHY?!) to catch up when you die

about

When I came back from Japan, I felt like I had stepped into an alternate timeline. Familiar faces seemed like distant skyscrapers, and I found myself running my hands under cold water to wake myself up. Everything was coming loose and separating. I felt i was doing the same. I felt so far away from home.

But I never felt alone.

This is for all the people who kept me together - Thank you.

credits

released May 12, 2014

All songs written, arranged, and produced by Jack Greenleaf

All songs performed/programmed by Jack Greenleaf with additional help from Montana Levy, Ian Cory, Henry Crawford, Felix Walworth, Oliver Kalb, Gabrielle Smith, Max Coburn, and James Wilcox

Album Art and Liner Notes by Jack Greenleaf

Mastering by Jack Greenleaf and Samantha Rose

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Sharpless New York

Brooklyn☆彡

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